


(i'm sifting through sand) looking for pieces of broken hourglass

by cornerstones



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 2018-2019 Figure Skating Season, Bittersweet, Communication, Complicated Relationships, Demiromantic Character, M/M, Platonic Relationships, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 08:12:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19291765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornerstones/pseuds/cornerstones
Summary: "This thing between us... It's never going to happen, right?"Nothing had ever been quite right for them, either the timing or the fact that one of them was injured or too focused on his skating or in a relationship. Yuzuru knows they're both guilty of that, but he realizes there's always been a part of him – buried deep down lest it took hold of him completely – that had...hoped.-----In the light of an ending or two, Yuzu and Javi finally acknowledge what's been between them for all these years.





	(i'm sifting through sand) looking for pieces of broken hourglass

**Author's Note:**

> "i'm sifting through sand, sand, sand  
> looking for pieces of broken hourglass, trying to get it all back  
> put it back together, as if the time had never passed  
> i know i should walk away, know i should walk away  
> but i just wanna let you break my brain  
> and i can't seem to get a grip  
> no matter how i live with it, these are the last blues"
> 
> (bishops knife trick by fall out boy)

It's an unusual situation they find themselves in.

No other skaters have booked the same time slot this early afternoon except for the two of them for once, but Brian or Tracy should normally be here with them. Not so today apparently since Tracy sent out an email this morning telling them there was some unexpected though not dramatic family emergency that she wants to take care of right away. That wouldn't usually interfere with their session if it hadn't been for Brian texting them both that he won't make it on time because he's having trouble with his car.

With the prospect of a vacant rink to themselves and the strict order still in place for him to ease himself into his training, Yuzuru skates somewhat lazy figure eights across the ice. He's amazed by how quiet the rink can be with only the sounds of the deep edges of his skates filling the empty space. Mostly empty.

Javier is here as well, it's one of his very last training sessions before he's off to Minsk and after that – gone. Back to Spain, back to his family and far away from Toronto and the Cricket Club and his competitive skating career. And with that, away from Yuzuru. For good, probably.

He doesn't want to think about it. He's almost managed to forget the dull pain he constantly felt during this season, a different, deeper pain that had absolutely nothing to do with his ankle for once. And if he's quite honest with himself, he doesn't want to go back to that unstable state he found himself in after the rush that were the summer shows.

Which is probably why his eyes constantly find their way back to Javier's form at the other side of the rink, going through his short's step sequence.

It's a beautiful step sequence, a beautiful program really. Yuzuru has always liked the Malagueña. Maybe because it has always fit Javier – it is smooth and expressive; commanding in a surprisingly gentle way. It's mesmerizing and demands your attention. It's sensual and self-assured.

Yeah, it fits Javier.

Yuzuru casts his eyes away because he doesn't want to make his friend feel like he's staring, even if he senses Javier's eyes on him as well all the time. Maybe they're both aware of that certain sense of an ending breathing down their necks; maybe they're both reluctant to let this go.

He hears Javier's blades come to a stop and he looks up only to see him with his head hung low, breathing deeply.

"Yuzu..." he calls out, not really raising his voice because he knows he can hear him well enough in the empty rink.

He makes to skate over to him immediately but there's something about his voice that sends a nervous shiver down his spine. Javier looks up at him for a second when he gets close and then directs his gaze towards the ice beneath his feet again, his shoulders tense. Neither of them speaks as Yuzuru comes to a halt directly in front of him.

An unfamiliar tension fills the space between them and Yuzuru feels like a coward because he doesn't dare break the silence. He knows Javier thinks of him as a mystery but right now it's Yuzuru who can't read Javier and he doesn't know what to make of it. Being on the other side of it now he finds it a terrifying feeling.

With bated breath he watches his friend frowning as if he's searching for the words he wants to say. When he finally finds them, Yuzuru feels like he does after falling on his triple axel, the breath knocked out of him and his whole world thrown off axis.

"This thing between us... It's never going to happen, right?"

All air has left his lungs and he just stands there, gaping. Javier looks up at last, wearing a soft smile but there's an old sadness tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Javi..."

Helplessly he reaches out for him, his hand landing on his arm. Javier in turn places his hands on Yuzuru's waist, a familiar, grounding action for both of them.

"You... You have girlfriend, Javi," he can't help but point out because he feels like he has to but the quiver in his voice betrays his underlying feelings. He wants to reprimand himself for not keeping better control of himself.

"I do, I know that." His fingers dig into his waist. "You have to understand that..." He pauses, his eyes searching his face. "I have to live my life. Not just spend it waiting for something... Something that might never happen."

His eyes are full of raw emotion and Yuzuru wants to look away but he can't. They've never acknowledged this. And this might be the first and only time they're completely honest with each other, so as much as it pains him, Yuzuru doesn't want to miss out on a second.

"It's not fair to me," Javier says quietly. A sudden lump forms in his throat.

There are years between them now, years full of shared moments, always this side on too close, too intimate, too interested. And yet, here they are and Yuzuru realizes with a start that they have wasted them all.

Nothing had ever been quite right, either the timing or the fact that one of them was injured or too focused on his skating or in a relationship. Yuzuru knows they're both guilty of that, but he realizes there's always been a part of him – buried deep down lest it took hold of him completely – that had... _hoped_. Hoped they'd find their time, their moment to finally explore the depth of their connection and how strong it could turn out to be.

In retrospect, he knows they already had so many moments. Maybe they've simply run out of them now.

He doesn't know what Javier can see in his face but it makes him try another smile, his hands coming up to his neck, holding on to him like he's precious and meant to be kept safe.

"You will find someone, someone who's better for you."

Reflexively, he shakes his head and wills the tears prickling in his eyes to disappear.

"No, not how I work." At Javier's lost expression, he tries to find the words of this inelegant language that might somehow describe what he's trying to say. "I think my feeling... work different than other people. I don't feel like I feel for you with other people. I don't think I can."

"Oh, Yuzu..."

Javier looks crestfallen and he hates that it's him who put that look on his face. Javier is warm and kind and good, Yuzuru never wants him to feel like he looks right now, he only deserves happiness.

"It's okay. I okay with it."

Tentatively, he lays his hands on Javier's chest, feeling his warmth radiating through his training shirt. _He feels so real_ , Yuzuru thinks redundantly and doesn't want to think about how real his future absence is going to feel.

"I think I having too high standard anyway," he tries to joke, but not really. To him, it is true after all.

Javier huffs out a breath and it's a weak imitation of a laugh. His thumbs keep stroking soothingly along his jawline, a sweet gesture they've not indulged in for too long now.

“I don't want... _this_ to hold you back from something. Or someone.”

The sincere look on his face almost makes him tear up more but again, he shakes his head, more softly now though. He doesn't want Javier to take his hands away, he wants to keep this a little while longer.

“I don't need someone else.”

Javier looks like he wants to argue but for Yuzuru, there's nothing there to be argued about really.

"Javi," he interrupts him before he can say anything. "It's okay. I am okay."

Yuzuru can see that he doesn't believe him, but he knows him and right now he is looking at him with so much vulnerability it's impossible for him to miss the quiet despair in his eyes; he _wants_ to believe him, and that's what Yuzuru will cling on to.

"So you don't feel guilty, please. I still having this."

He grips the fabric of Javier's shirt, his hands still on his chest and he imagines he can feel his strong heartbeat under his fingertips. Javier looks at him with such tenderness, Yuzuru feels like it's misplaced because neither him nor the situation deserves it.

Slowly, Javier cups his face and before he can entirely grasp what they're doing, they're leaning in.

A spark goes through him, caused by anticipation or fear, he doesn't know. He wants this, he wants this so badly – but it is not his to have, not anymore.

"Javi, you have–"

Alarm colors his voice and Javier speaks up before he can finish his plea.

"I know, I know," he says in a hushed tone, hurriedly, his eyes falling closed. He dips his head then and touches his forehead to Yuzuru's.

It's not the first time they've found themselves in this position, and yet Yuzuru can't help but lament that it's always in a moment of bittersweet realization. It's always in a moment of loss.

He squeezes his eyes shut, focusing on the slow caress of Javier's thumbs, and just tries to breathe. Without thinking about it, his hands find their way to Javier's waist, holding him in place, anchoring them both.

They are engulfed by silence with their even breaths matched and for a moment, Yuzuru can pretend this could be his reality: On the ice, with a kind-hearted, beautiful man in his arms and no one there to intrude into what's purely theirs.

This quiet around them suits them, he thinks, since they have never needed too many words to make a connection. It feels like what they have transcends English or Spanish or Japanese, like it transcends barriers that are trying to force people apart. Deep in his heart, he's always felt like they were special like that.

Yuzuru lets his fingers curl into Javier's shirt, clinging to him for a heartbeat longer, and takes a deep breath. He lets the moment pass and then draws back a little, not yet fully retreating but creating enough distance between them to make room for rationality once more.

They open their eyes again, both their gazes lingering on each other, as if they're trying to memorize the other's face or what just happened between them. There are countless things Yuzuru could say to him right now but he knows even so his feelings aren't limited, his English certainly is.

That doesn't mean he can't try and he relies on words that in the past have already been in tune with how he feels.

“Thank you for allowing me to train with you,” he says with a watery smile. “Because of you I won. I always won."

Involuntarily he scrunches up his face as he recognizes that this is not entirely true. “No, I...”

While Yuzuru is frustrated with himself and searches for the right words, Javier waits him out, patiently. A gesture so kind shouldn't sting that much, because here he was, thinking Javier was done waiting for him.

“With you I always feel like I won,” he says unthinkingly and watches as emotion plays out on Javier's face, too complicated for Yuzuru to name.

“Yuzu...”

His voice is warm and intimate. Yuzuru misses it already.

In the distance they hear the sound of a door opening and slamming shut. Brian must have finally arrived, which means for them to get back to work. It also means that their time has run out.

Javier's blinking rapidly as if he's suddenly woken up, pulled out of a dream that seemed a touch too real for a second. It all feels too soon, this doesn't feel finished yet – but then again, maybe they never will be, Yuzuru supposes.

Javier lifts his hand to caress his cheek, his fingers lingering as they grace his skin, almost like a lover's touch.

Yuzuru can hear in that gesture the words Javier can't voice out loud and it seems befitting for them that this touch mirrors how this thing between them began in the first place. They smile at each other before reluctantly letting their hands drop.

Then, they drift apart.

 

**Author's Note:**

> me: faoi 2019 yuzuvier gave us nothing how can i cope w this
> 
> me: idk maybe follow their lead?
> 
> me: ......oh ffs
> 
> *
> 
> thank you for reading! <3


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